Thursday, May 26, 2011

Relationships FAQ

This post is written in male form for convenience reasons only.

I had the chance to have many talks regarding relationships lately. It seems to be on everybody’s mind.

As I mentioned before, me and my friends are now turning 30 and it makes us think a lot about how life holds up to our expectations. You might say that during the 6 months before turning 30, guys compensate on all the menstrual cycles they’ve “missed” during their lifetime.

I noticed  the same questions keep popping up whenever we talk about relationships.

In this post I will try my best to answer these questions or at least help you think them from a different angle.

Q. How can I know if I really love the person I’m with?

Most people say deep down everybody knows the answer. That’s rubbish. Deep down no one knows anything. Deep down most of us are scared as hell to make a decision or to choose. Beating those fears one by one until they become numb is the real test of relationship.

My belief is each person is the best indicator for himself. Just test your reactions to the other person.

There is nothing that makes me happier than seeing my woman happy. I can’t see her happy without it affect me as well. The same thing happens when she’s moody or angry, then it makes me feel bad.

So, how do I know I really still care about her after all those years we are together?

To tell the truth, from all my friends and people I know for many many years, there is no one else that affects me like she is. I previously stated that bounding your own feeling to someone else’s is an act of madness. Love by definition is a sickness. It makes you do and feel things that a healthy body and mind shouldn’t feel.

Once I bound my everyday mood to another person, than I know I’m sick.

If you’re looking for more stupid questions to ask yourself try this one: “does the way I feel affects my partner?”

Q. My girlfriend and I are so different. Am I wasting my time with her or is there a future for us?

Now we enter the realm of meaningless questions to ask. Off course you and your girlfriend are different. Probably very different.

First, you are a boy and she is a girl (the blog strongly supports any other option of that matter. Boy-girl is merely an example). Men and women are very different and there is no use to even discuss it. They think different, experience same situations in different ways and they care about different stuff. So if you are looking for someone you can feel any similarity to, you’re way off.

Second, I heard a nice quote the other day and it goes something like this: “you can only be yourself, everyone else is taken”.

Most of my friends and even my parents coupled up with very different partners and they are very happy together. On the other hand we have many examples of "fit perfectly on paper" couples that just can't get along. I know I would never get along with someone similar to myself.

So stop looking for excuses. If you want to leave than do it. But don’t tell yourself it was because the difference between you. Unless you start dating a mirror, this is always the case. 

(If you don’t believe me just watch any Jennifer Lopez movie. That’s where all the wisdom at)

Q. My girlfriend doesn’t always interests me and I can’t talk with her about everything

This is no panic talk but everyday normal thoughts. Many men feel unchallenged by their woman; spiritually, intellectually, sexually and more.

There is no right or wrong here. If it’s a young relationship I always say if the sex is good than you can hang around and see what’s up.
A relationship can survive on good sex alone much longer than it can last on “similar interests”.

If a long term relationship is the case than my hypostasis takes a turn to the serious.

I know that my girlfriend alone cannot make my life complete and I never expected her to. I have worked years choosing my surroundings and social circles to fill my life and address all my needs accordingly.

So any single person with rich social life can live life to the full, except he always feels something is missing. He can talk for hours about soccer, art, TV and stuff with his friends but some needs may only be addressed by a more intimate relationship.

This is where your girlfriend should fit in. to fill in the void no one else can. She doesn’t have to be a Manchester United fan for you to get along but she can cheer you up when they lose just the same.

You are not moving to a deserted island together. Things just have to fit properly.

Q. This is not what I always imagined

We are approaching the core, the ultimate relationship killer. The feeling every man and women feels from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep about almost everything in our life.

This is not how I imagined I would look like, this is not the career I imagined I would have, my credit balance is far from being what I ever imagined and off course my girlfriend is not the one I always imagined I’ll end up with.

I can truly say that most of the couples I’m surrounded by are happy couples. Off course everybody have their problems and disagreements but it is ok.

So you didn’t find your pony riding knight in shining armor who swept you off your feet.

And you didn’t merry the Victoria’s secret model / 50’s housewife you always dreamt about.   

This may shock you but you are not all that yourself. Look at yourself; do you think your girlfriend lay in bed in high school dreaming about someone like you? Unless your name is Dylan McKay the answer is no.

Things never happen the way we wanted them to happen. But we evolve as people. I evolved much as a person the past few years. Some childhood dreams still remain but I make room for them from the time a close my eyes at night till the time I fall asleep.

I will not doom myself to live in dream prison just because I can’t see all the goodness I have without even wishing for it.

Final words

This is a lie because there is no such thing as final words when it comes to relationship issues. And it seems as we grow up it becomes more irritating we can’t seem to be fully satisfied with anything.

Life is not that complicated. You don’t have to freak out every time you sleep with your woman while thinking about the girl you saw on the street. It’s normal and it’s great.

It doesn’t mean you should leave your girlfriend for that girl because I bet you after a week with her you would start picturing another girl. It’s ok. Nothing in this life is that absolute it will stop you from compensating or dreaming. That is why we are so fascinated with the idea of parallel universes. The thoughts about all the endless possibilities throw us off balance.

Just like you probably won’t leave your great office job to be a park ranger after a fun weekend of camping. The thought about it will shake you up a bit but you won’t do it.

Stop stressing yourself out. There is no one person for everybody. You are not missing anything by staying where you feel happy.

So if you ask yourself one of those four questions, I hope it was helpful.

p.s. if you ask those questions too much and can’t get over yourself, just go. But don’t expect to find any answers the next time around.

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